I`ve realized I could never really feel much towards people. It`s weird but that`s what I feel like. It`s almost as if I am rarely present. It feels like there is something else, something more important that I should be doing at that particular moment. I think I have an idea of what it could be, but when I find myself in that moment that I was wishing for a while, it still doesn`t satisfy me.
I don`t know if this is a trait of immaturity.
Do I not know what I want? I don`t think so…
I just rarely feel present on the same level as I feel the future or the past.
While waiting for something to happen, in my fantasies I live. In there I feel what I want to be when the reality hits.
It is in fantasizing about the moment that will happen that the feelings do happen. They seem to me more real than the reality itself. Even when the present matches the past fantasy, and when that fantasy becomes reality, it seems as if I am distant and can`t really feel much.
Why not, then?
I don`t know but it always feels like there is something more to life then what`s happening. Like there is something hiding behind and beneath the reality of living. To me it almost always seems as if I am already ready to start fantasizing about the next big event that should happen in my life.
I want to fantasize! I want to wish and hope!
Reality! Don`t take my fantasy away!…